My personality was ruining my life.
It was creating persistent suffering for me and also hurting all the people around me whom I loved. At age 29, I hit a rock bottom. While my life looked pretty good from the outside, my insides were in turmoil. Inner critic voices were screaming at me, and pushing me into obsessive compulsive behaviors. I didn’t know how to stop, how to change. I didn’t know I had choices about how to respond to the chaos of life. Then I found the Enneagram. Or perhaps it found me. And the Wisdom within the Enneagram teachings kept whispering to me, and sometimes shouting, “It doesn’t have to be this way.”
At first, I did my best to read as many books as I could, to memorize all the information about the types, and launched into countless engaging discussions on the topic with my friends at parties. While this was interesting and stimulating, my life went on as usual. I still woke up irritated most days, had judging and shaming voices in my head, a heart that was either emotionally numb or overly reactive, and a body that was carrying huge amounts of stored tension and restlessness.
This all changed in 2017 when I attended a deep dive Enneagram workshop with master teacher Anne Muree. In this six-day journey, she introduced me to the missing piece that makes the Enneagram transformative: Presence. Presence is hard to explain, and can only be experienced. And it takes practice. It also requires an open willingness to be changed. To step into the unknown. Other words that point to the meaning of Presence are: Mindfulness, Embodiment, Awareness, Awakeness, and Integration of body, heart and mind. In Anne’s class, we practiced this through guided visualizations, meditations, conversational exercises with partners, breathing, journaling, and panel discussions. As a group, we began to embody “The Work” of the Enneagram. Lightbulbs of insight were popping off left and right, my Inner Critic voices were diminishing, and my body felt lighter, my mind more free.
I began to attend as many Enneagram workshops as I could, mostly through the Enneagram Institute with Russ Hudson and Michael Naylor. Their unique style of Enneagram learning combined with practicing Presence, (specifically through exercises called “repeating questions” which are done with a partner and break through our ego’s defenses) was revolutionary. Last summer after attending a week-long course with Russ in New York, I felt reborn. (I know that sounds silly, but it’s true!) The old me, my False Self (ego/personality), felt distant and irrelevant. I had touched into a grounded sense of wholeness and Being like I had never experienced before. I was living from my Essence for the first time. It was a profound sense of spiritual awakening that I wanted to carry with me back into my messy daily life of work, family, relationships, and mundane practical matters.
As time went on, the “field” of energetic support I had felt with the group out in New York began to wane. I had no community of support to come home to, to continue to hold me accountable, to speak my language, and do The Work with me. Despite my many spiritual practices and supports, without an ongoing community of support, my ego inevitably began to creep back in. While wonderful, this model of spending thousands of dollars to go out to New York for a training once a year was proving to be unsustainable, in more ways than one.
By some guided grace, I was connected with Enneagram teacher Jenny Campbell (www.enneawake.com), who invited me into her online Enneagram community as a place to continue wrestling with the materials, doing the inner work, and applying it all to the messiness and ongoing challenges of my daily life. I began, once again, and quite quickly, to notice huge leaps of growth within me, and now I had a community to sustain me.
Surprisingly, I felt closely connected to this group of people after only a couple of weeks, despite the format of meeting online via Zoom. We were spread out all over the country (and a few internationally), but we were tied together by the common desire of doing The Work of waking up. We all recognized how easy it is to slip back into a “sleepwalking” state, to go on autopilot and hand over the wheel to our egos. We all recognized that it takes persistent and ongoing support to stay awake and present to our Essence, to our suffering, and to the tricks of the Personality and Inner Critic. By naming our shadows, resentments, shame, and fears, and allowing the group to hold space for us with unconditional love, we were all changing in tangible and meaningful ways. We were all experiencing the truth taught by G.I. Gurdjieff, one of the original developers of the Enneagram teachings; the truth that,
“Doing spiritual work alone is not hard, it is impossible.”
I want to invite you into this work. No matter where you are at in your Enneagram journey, as a newcomer who doesn’t yet know their type or as an old-timer who has been studying for decades, this Work has something amazing to offer you if you are only willing to be radically honest with yourself and allow yourself to be witnessed by others.
This September, I will be offering a 10 month online Enneagram course like the one described above, called Journeying With the Enneagram. Jenny Campbell herself has generously volunteered to mentor me into this process and has allowed me to use her format to start my own online community. We will meet weekly on Tuesday evenings, using the book “The Wisdom of the Enneagram” as our study guide, doing exercises and homework together, and sharing our “wins,” struggles, and questions, as well as practicing Presence together, which means learning to connect with the true intelligence of the Body, Heart, and Mind. As a participant in this course, you will also meet with me for a 1:1 support session each month to help integrate your learning and go deeper into personal issues as they arise.
As a participant in this community, this will be a big commitment for you. But the more you put into The Work and the group, the more you will receive, and the more freedom you will experience in all areas of your life. As Riso and Hudson put it in their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram:
“When we are willing to experience the truth of how we have been and how we are now,
and when we are willing to let ourselves be healed, our true nature emerges.
The outcome is guaranteed: all we have to do is show up.” (pp. 35)
If you are feeling called to show up to your true and beautiful self, to show up to your life and make the most of it, and to show up as the best version of yourself for those you love, you may be ready for this course and this community. Click HERE for a thorough description of this course and find what to expect. Please take this Readiness Assessment Survey to determine if this course will be a good fit for you at this time.
Whether it is through this course or other workshops, I look forward to journeying with the Enneagram with you. I am so grateful and humbled to be called into this powerful work.
We all know why New Year’s resolutions are a bummer. We say we’re going to go to the gym every 4 days a week. We will journal every night before going to sleep. Or meditate every morning for 12 months. But how often have any of us actually followed through with these goals? Most of us give up on ourselves after we miss one day or one week. “I failed, so what’s the point of continuing? If I start over now, it doesn’t really count.” All or nothing thinking wins again! We crawl away with our tail between our legs. Maybe we will try again next year. *Sigh*
While hard-line goals can be meaningful and motivating in some ways, most of us just don’t function that way (unless you’re an Enneagram Three!) But even Threes could benefit from approaching the New Year through a different lens, and relaxing their obsession with checklists. For the last several years, I have focused on an intention instead of a goal or definitive resolution. Yes, there is a benefit in non-measurable outcomes.
In the yogic tradition, they talk about setting a “Sankalpa,” or sacred intention. I love this, because it has energy behind it, and yet it releases the white-knuckled grip of control. It’s no longer completely up to me to either succeed or fail, or to even know what is best for me. With a Sacred Intention, there is room to invite in the Source of Love, that Great Mystery animating all of life, to come into my life and dance with me. The Divine Beloved carries my Sankalpa just as much, or more, than I do. This sets me up for “success” and leaves space to go with the flow and find beautiful surprises along the way. It is the subtle shift away from calculated growth and towards unpredictable evolution.
Choosing one word to focus on (or a very short phrase) for a Sankalpa is best. Then it is easy to remember, and can become an anchor you return to throughout your days, weeks, and months ahead. It is fascinating to see how this one word changes meaning over time, when attention is given to it. For the last three years, I have been journeying with the word “Trust.” Each year, it just kept coming back to me, saying “I’m not done with you yet. One more year.”
This last year has been calling me to return again and again to Presence. In a sense, this is the Sankalpa suited for all of us, because it is Presence that unlocks the door to whatever it is we are searching for. All our inherent Virtues, lying dormant behind our fear, anger, and shame, have the possibility of coming alive when we are fully present in body, heart, and mind. If we desire to be more loving to ourselves and others, Presence is the key. If what we want is more courage to be our true selves, Presence will show us the way. If we are tired of distracting and numbing ourselves, Presence brings energy and clear vision to counter our self-forgetting.
So to be Present is my Sacred Intention this year. To come back to the Living Moment again and again, because that’s where true happiness lies. That’s where my deeper heart can wake up from its long hibernation, and where my chattering mind can find a profound Quietness. Presence signals my body to relax, to release unnecessary tension, and open intuitive channels to Inner Guidance.
Ahhh, Beloved Presence! If only I were not such an unfaithful lover! I keep leaving you for the next exciting distraction. I cheat on you with my worries, my obsessive planning, my fantasies, my ruminations. None of these ever brings me the fulfillment I desire. Only you can satisfy my soul! Thankfully, you are patient and forgiving, always waiting for me just under the surface, welcoming me back with a spacious and unlimited embrace. Within you, Dear Presence, I find the true gift of Grace. Thank you. Please keep calling me Home.
Ways to work with your Sankalpa:
Image credit: www.advancedsciencenews.com
Every time I am heading out the door after a spiritual direction session, my loving friend and spiritual director Janet says, “Keep drinking from deeper wells.” She has been saying this to me for ten years, and I am only now beginning to really understand what this means. Truth be told, I never thought about it too much until about a year ago.
The reminder to drink from Deeper wells suggests that there are shallow wells to drink from. I certainly am familiar with those. After drinking from them, I am left thirstier then ever before. Here are some places I’ve run to in search of a lasting quench to my dissatisfaction with life:
Striving to be above reproach
Being admired and approved of by others
Earning the respect of people I care about
Helping others with their problems
Making myself needed
Getting a GPA above 4.0
Fantasizing about and searching for a career that will fulfill me completely
Curating certain “moods” to wallow in
Eating ice cream
Eating dark chocolate
Making my parents proud
Becoming knowledgable on certain topics
Looking at things from an objective and logical perspective
Repressing my emotions
Filling up my life with stimulating and pleasurable activities
Getting a dog
Living in community
Searching for a life partner
Trying to fix my partner
Treating myself like a self improvement project
Having a plan and being prepared
Making check lists
Venting and raging
Buying a kick ass bike
Upgrading to an electric bike
Saving money for my future
Numbing out through books and movies
Eating more chocolate
Checking Facebook again
Thinking about making popcorn
Slicing a pear and spritzing it with just the right amount of salt, lemon and Chile powder
Obsessing over plucking my eyebrows
Watching the Daily Show and Trevor Noah’s standup comedy
Buying new shoes
Explaining to you why I’m right and you’re wrong
Cleaning my house
Being in a position of power
Trying to save all the children at Bancroft Elementary from their horrible manners and trauma
Having a bomb-ass hairdo
How do you suppose those things are working out for me? ... Exactly.
The Buddha held up two leaves while teaching his students one day, and said, “There are innumerable leaves in this forest, and yet I hold only two. Just so, while there are innumerable things I could teach, I choose to teach only two: suffering and the end of suffering.” The Buddha didn’t choose this focus to be a Debbie Downer. He chose it because the study of the roots of suffering leads to seeing suffering clearly, as it truly is, and that leads to liberation. But instead of getting curious and interested in the persistent dissatisfaction inherent in living a human life, we keep trying things that we have temporarily convinced ourselves will ultimately satisfy. Some days, I just know, with all my might, that eating that organic eight dollar pint of ice cream is going to make me happy. So I go out and buy it, and before I’m even half way through eating it, I feel sick both physically and emotionally. The “happiness” lasted for about the first two bites.
It turns out nothing in this life satisfies. Not permanently anyway. Because everything is always changing. If I ever find the “perfect” life partner for me, I know they will not fulfill me. There will be days when they are the source of my deepest suffering. It’s a set up believing the story about “happily ever after.” And yet, I do. If I could just travel to all my bucket list vacation destinations, then I’d be happy. If I could just have perfect health, then I’d be happy. If I could just find a way to make more money, then I’d be happy…..
One needn’t be a Buddhist to get interested in suffering. All we need is curiosity about our patterned lives and personalities, the willingness to be brutally honest about what we discover, and the openness to let go of our viewpoints. That, of course, is much easier said than done, since our defense mechanisms and incredible ability to live in denial is so strong as humans. This is why it is helpful to have a wise guide, a spiritual teacher, a holistic therapist, or a spiritual director. Best to have one of each, because most of us need all the help we can get! At least I do.
These soul friends and spiritual guides can help us course correct when we insist on drinking from shallow wells. They remind us that there is another source, The Source, that comes from a much deeper place and satisfies the soul and aides us in our journey through suffering.
I am reminded of the story of Jesus speaking with the Samaritan woman at the well. Provocatively, he tells her he can offer her Living Water. Wondering what he means by this bizarre statement, she prods him further and he answers her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13-14). What in Godde’s name did he mean by that??
I do not purpose to have the answer. I know what the answer is for me, at least partially. There are many ways in which I’ve found access to the Deeper Well. While I have not yet found how to remain connected to the Living Water at all times (because my active ego still lures me away), when I do drink of it, I sense that it has been waiting for me to receive it, waiting for me beyond space and time, in this mysterious space called eternity. Its flavor is patience and grace, joy and abundance, kindness and immeasurable Love.
Questions for contemplation:
We are here today to pay our respects and mourn our Mother.
She was a vibrant, adaptive, creative and beautiful Being, Our Mother, the Earth. We gather here today to reflect on all she has given us over the eons. We gather to feel and express our heartfelt gratitude for her generous gifts. We all have our own favorite memories—those peaceful and inspiring moments when our Mother Earth held us in her majestic Presence and taught us lessons we could never learn from a book or a lecture or a conversation. She spoke to the innermost parts of our Being, taught us how to listen, to be still, to trust the silence and the flow of life. She spoke to us through the song of the wind through aspen leaves and the honking of autumn geese flying in perfect formation. She comforted us with blue skies over mountain peaks and allowed us the opportunity to shed our ego, even if for just a moment, during a raging thunderstorm. When we were willing to let her teach, we learned about impermanence, death, rebirth, adaptation, symbiosis and the connected web of all life. When we spent time with her, Mother Earth quelled our anxieties that stemmed from age-old human conditions, as well as anxieties we brought upon ourselves in this modern technological age. Whether on a mountain peak in the Rockies or just watching a line of black ants march across an inner-city sidewalk, Mother always had something to teach, for those willing to listen. She was generous like that. Even when her children were abusing her, she still had more to give. We will never find another Planet like Her—she gave us everything we have, and all that we are. She was one-of-a-kind.
But in addition to gratitude, we also gather today to feel and express our grief in all of its stages, honoring each person in their place on their grieving journey: the initial shock we felt when we realized the gravity of Mother Earth’s sickness. The ongoing period of denial that is so hard to move through and beyond. The anger and rage- the outpouring of bottled up emotion at the wrongs that have been committed against such a generous and gorgeous Planet. We shout and rage and chant for you our dear Mother Earth. In our grief, we sought to bargain with reality: maybe if we took proper political avenues we could convince those in power to tap into their moral compass. Perhaps if we convinced all of our friends and family to reduce, reuse, and recycle more, then we could beat back the destructive monster of climate change. Bike to work or take the bus! Meatless Mondays! Grow your own vegetables! Surely we could bring our Mother back from the brink of destruction if we just did our little part. Then the depression set in. The doctor said we only have twelve more years to turn this around, and that was an optimistic estimate. Even if we somehow elected all the “right” politicians this next few times around, it would still have been too late. There would still be decades of red tape, policy battles, and infrastructure rollouts to wait for. Even if our politicians had suddenly started telling the truth about climate change and developed a moral backbone, our government’s systems of process of procedures would have moved too slowly in this broken two party system controlled by corporate money. The depression lingered, and we watched our Mother Earth die, feeling alone and helpless.
If only we had been willing to feel all these emotions and move to a place of acceptance. Not acceptance as in condoning the atrocities that ruined our ozone layer and warmed our oceans. But an acceptance of reality— seeing where we are and letting the gravity of this truth sink in. Accepting that we are up Shit Creek, but then noticing we in fact do have a paddle.
If only we had grabbed that paddle of non-violent, disruptive civil disobedience – the paddle of peaceful yet persistent rebellion, we could have saved our Mother, dear Planet Earth. If only we had left the comfort of our daily routine to fight for Her life, and contingently, for our own lives.
Because this Eulogy has a surprise ending. We are not just grieving today for our Mother the Earth, but for all of Her children. She is survived by none of her human offspring. We have all died out, whether by disease, drought, or displacement that led to mass chaos and war over territory, fresh water, and food.
If only we had trusted in cooperation over competition, in the spiritual over the material, in generosity over greed, in hope and action over a resigned cynicism! Then we could have saved ourselves and our Mother Earth. If only! If only…..
(But there is something we can all do, now. https://rebellion.earth)
Silence. Solitude. Stillness.
To some, these elements sound like a dream come true; to others, a nightmare.
For the last four years, I've been treating myself to a solo silent retreat in a small hermitage cabin at a retreat center to take time for deep rest, rejuvenation, reflection, and meditation, and prayer. I've found this time to be essential to finding mental and emotional clarity and discernment amidst my otherwise noisy, fast paced, distracted life. While I have a rhythm of self care and spiritual practice at home, there is something so different about being away from my house, from people, and from technology. Going on retreats keeps me honest with myself and rekindles my relationship with my Higher Power.
I've had so many people ask me, "How do you do it? I would go crazy all alone by myself for that long! What do you do with all that time?" Well, nothing really. And, a lot. So for those of you who are considering a personal retreat, but have some anxieties around it, this list of tips and tricks is for you.
Tip #1: Practice
While everyone can benefit from solo retreats, they aren't for everyone, at least not right away. It's the kind of thing you should work your way up to. Just like other types of exercise, you need to start small and increase your reps. If you try to just jump in and bench press 300 pounds without any preparation, you're going to injure yourself. It's the same with just jumping into a 3 day retreat without already having a toolkit of spiritual practices under your belt. A good way to jumpstart your practice is to first participate in a facilitated retreat with a group of people. Even if it's a silent retreat, having other people around you doing the same things builds a feeling of support and community, and having a structured schedule that includes guided prayer/reflection/meditation activities is really helpful.
You can also work your way up to solo retreating by taking yourself out on "dates" to begin to practice enjoying your own company. This could look like going for a hike by yourself, taking yourself out to a movie or dinner, spending an afternoon at the local park or coffee shop, going ice skating, or any other thing you enjoy. The key is to stay off your phone. You wouldn't be on your phone the whole time with a date, so don't do it with yourself. Be present to yourself. The only guarantee in this life is that the person you're going to wake up with every morning for the rest of your life is you. So start befriending yourself--you're worth it!
Tip #2: Scheduling
Once you have decided you're ready to try a solo retreat, it's time to pick the time and place. I suggest reserving a "hermitage" cabin at a retreat center. These cabins are set up for solo retreaters and are designed in such a way that they promote stillness, silence, and solitude. The intentionality of the design and the seclusion of the cabin will help you settle into "retreat mode" quicker. For your first time, I suggest spending two nights away. I've found it is crucial to have one entire day away in order to really rest and slow the mind down. I've found that on the last morning, my mind is already thinking ahead to what I have to do when I get home and starts planning for the upcoming week. It's very difficult to be fully present unless you have a full day of freedom; a full day away from the check lists and responsibilities of everyday life.
Don't schedule to arrive home late at night and then have to go straight to work the next morning. It is nice to ease out of your retreat by giving yourself plenty of time when you get home to unpack, do laundry, go grocery shopping, etc so that your transition back to the daily grind isn't as shocking.
Tip #3: Packing
There can be a temptation to overpack, but the goal of retreat is simplicity. Bring the minimum amount of clothing needed, no make up, no jewelry- no one is watching you. Let the image-making rest.
Leave your novels (or other books with a story line) at home. Novels are a great escape, but the goal of retreat is to practice Presence, not distraction. There are some books that can help bring us into a stance of deep Contemplation, and these are great retreat companions-- scripture, poetry, or other spiritual writings can help our mind find a place of quiet and deeper understanding.
I also love to bring along some "spiritual toys" such as my finger labyrinth, a deck of wisdom/art/tarot cards to reflect on, a chime/singing bowl, mala meditation beads, some visual icons that hold special significance to me, a yoga mat, meditation cushion, journal, sketch pad and colored pencils.
Also bring along whatever items you need to get out into nature- hiking boots, sunscreen, hat, gloves, etc. The temperature was around 0 degrees on my last retreat, and there was a foot of freshly fallen snow. Since I was prepared with all my warmest winter gear, I was still able to spend an hour or more outside each day walking through the woods, making snow angels, and bird watching. Never underestimate the healing power of nature and exercise, even when it's freezing out!
Tip #4: Upon Arrival
Once you've checked into your cabin, take some time to set up your stuff, finding a proper place to keep each of your things. You'll want to keep your small space organized and neat throughout your stay, remembering that a cluttered space promotes a cluttered mind.
Reflect ahead of time what you're committing to as far as phone usage. I highly suggest turning your phone off and leaving it in your car so you aren't tempted to start checking your phone, sending unnecessary texts, or getting lost in the rabbit hole of the internet. If you're using your phone as a camera, set it on airplane mode so it's only functioning as a camera. If you absolutely need to be communicating with family each day, just check your phone at night right before going to bed. But if you can, tell your family/friends that you'll be unavailable until you return home. This removes the distraction of needing to be constantly available and distracted. In today's world, it is a radical and incredible challenge to disconnect from technology, but the stillness of mind that results from this move is so worth it. It creates space for insights to arise and allows the mind/heart to start connecting the "dots" of our life.
So you're here. Now what?? I've found that one of the best ways to ease into a weekend of silence and solitude is by pulling out my journal and doing a "mind dump." This is just a stream-of-consciousness free write, where I put down on paper all the things on my mind that I'm worried about. This helps me note that there is a lot of stress that is truly hard to set aside, but if I acknowledge it in this concrete way, it helps me feel secure that I can set these things aside and they'll still be waiting for me when I return home. But for the next 48 hours, there is nothing that needs to be done or accomplished. I can truly let them go, and Be Here Now. In this mind dump writing exercise, it's nice to also set some intentions for the retreat, and I like to address all of this as a letter to my Higher Power. In this way, I'm establishing the conversation and relationship with God, and is a wonderful reminder that I'm actually not alone on this retreat-- I'm supported and loved by this ultimate Friend. This makes the solitude feel like a refuge instead of a prison.
Tip #5: "Goals" of Presence and Letting Go
In our culture, there is such pressure to do, to perform, to accomplish. Retreat is a time to let all of that go and practice a stance of Being. To just be is a revolutionary act, and a difficult one. On retreat, we leave our check lists behind and attempt to tune into our intuition, and to follow this instead of following distraction. Even without technology, our minds find a way to distract, to spiral off into worries or fantasies about the future, or into replays or regrets from the past. Our practice is to notice this, and keep bringing the mind back to what is real right here and now. What are you seeing, touching, hearing? As you eat, what textures and tastes are present? Can I practice gratitude for all of these things in the moment as I experience them? Can I let go of my need to accomplish something with this time? Can I let go of my self image and personality and listen to the deeper, higher Self stirring within?
From an Enneagram perspective, each of the types has a particular way of staying attached to our False Self (our habits of personality). Author and teacher Christopher Heuertz says that each of the Enneagram "Centers" has a particular need for either Stillness, Solitude, or Silence. When Body Center types (8,9,1) are forced to slow down and be still, their anger is waiting for them right under the surface. These types are always on the go, and all the movement is a distraction from having to look at their anger. This is why retreat can be so uncomfortable if we haven't already practiced observing ourselves and detaching from our feelings and thoughts. But this is why the Stillness of retreat is also essential to seeing what is going on with us, facing it head on, and working through it. The only way out is through, as they say, and this takes courage and diligence. It is only in intentional Stillness that Body Center types will find the peaceful rest of Acceptance, and be able to connect with their innate goodness and innocence.
For types in the Heart Center (2,3,4) the key healing element of retreat is Solitude. Heart types are constantly creating their self image in relation to the feedback they get from other people. When these types of people find themselves alone, it can be difficult to know who they actually are, or to get in touch with their true feelings and desires. For Heart types, the underlying emotion waiting for them in solitude is shame, since they find their sense of worth through either helping others, impressing others, or distinguishing themselves as different from others. It is only in Solitude that these types can discover their True Selves, and find an inner validation and self approval, as well as the sustaining and unconditional love from the Source of Love.
Head Center types (5,6,7) are so constantly stimulated by the noise of mental chatter and incoming information, that the healing medicine they will find in retreat is Silence. Once the outside noise of internet searches, documentaries, podcasts, books and stimulating activities is shut down, Head types are confronted with their underlying feeling of fear and anxiety. But it is only in this Silence, free from grasping at solutions to an unanswerable puzzle, that Head types will discover that they are safe, already have enough and already are enough. They will find true freedom in the presence of a deep inner knowing.
As difficult emotions and thoughts arise during retreat, our goal is to remain present to them, to approach them with a sense of curiosity and compassion, to investigate, and finally, to let go. Activities that can help with this process are: meditation, focusing on breathing or body sensations, prayer, mantra, chanting/singing, journaling, writing letters to your Higher Power, drawing pictures, writing letters to your inner child, dancing, yoga, stretching, getting out into nature. Remember that no mind-state or emotion lasts forever, and this too shall pass.
Tip #6: Expect the Best and Remain Open
While I've tried to prepare you for the worst, you might be surprised to discover a lot of joy, relief, gratitude, insight, healing, and contentment waiting for you on retreat. The last retreat I went on, I added an extra day. The first whole day felt like a lot of "work." It was difficult, and there was a lot of emotional and intuitional content to sort through. Once I got through this, the next full day was a day of pure bliss. With nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no one watching, my inner child was free to roam, rest, and kick up a wild rumpus! I cheated on the Silence rule, and used my phone to play a downloaded dance playlist, and danced wildly for about 2 hours straight. I'm discovering that what I personally need for my healing is a relief from rules.
So go ahead, make your retreat your own. As far as my suggestions go, take what you like and leave the rest. If you bring your Higher Power into the process and remain willing and open to the possibilities, you are sure to be surprised in a beautiful way. I hope you can learn to savor the healing gifts of Stillness, Solitude, and Silence, in whatever way is meaningful and accessible to you. Happy retreating!!
There are times when the natural Wisdom within us arises to meet the moment in ways we never could have orchestrated if we were lost in thought, lost in thinking about right and wrong, "shoulds" and "should-nots." In these moments, our head, heart, and body are aligned. They are in the same place.
Before I'm tempted to wax poetic about something that can't actually be explained, let's just stop and have an illustrative story.
The last time I visited my brother and his family in Washington DC, I took a solo day trip to Georgetown. While there are hundreds of fancy restaurants, boutiques, and art galleries in this gentrified neighborhood, I was attracted to Georgetown's Waterfront Park along the Potomac River because I discovered it had a large public labyrinth.
Now, you must understand that I LOVE labyrinths. I've had so many powerful prayer experiences using this ancient tool, so I immediately hyped up my upcoming labyrinth walk in my mind, hoping (expecting?) that it would be deep and soul shaking. But would I be able to find an intimate experience with my spirit, with The Spirit, in a public park? Would people be staring at me while I slowly walked round and round, wondering if I'm mentally ill? Doesn't matter. Gotta give it a try anyway.
When I arrived at the park on a Tuesday morning, it was fairly quiet. Whew, just what I needed. I stood at the entrance to the labyrinth, took three deep breaths, asked the Spirit to join me, and began my walk. While it was a nice meditation, and I was aware of my movements, of my self consciousness, and of my thoughts, nothing profound was happening. I determined that when I got to the middle, I would sit down and meditate and pray until some insight was gained. (For those who have never walked a labyrinth, it is not a maze, but a winding and unpredictable path that inevitably leads you into the center. This center represents the deepest part of ourself, our Essence, and the path can represent the twists and turns of our life that eventually lead us to God, to Love, to Freedom.)
I arrived at the center and sat down, lotus style, and prepared myself for my message. Waited. Nothing was happening. Or so I thought. What had happened, unnoticed by my ego which had an agenda, was that a spacious clarity had opened up inside of me and was ready to greet whatever reality arrived with an open mind and heart.
Then it came. Or more, accurately they came. 30 little humans, ages one to three, were unleashed by their daycare provider to run amok inside the labyrinth. My first split second reaction was mortification. How could those adults see someone who is obviously meditating and then purposely surround them with the most distracting thing possible: adorable children!? But immediately following that was an inner gentleness toward my anger. "It's ok. This is the message. Be Here Now. Meet the moment with gladness, no matter how it presents itself." When this Wisdom arose in me, I didn't feel I controlled it, conjured it, or had any choice in the matter. It was just time to live this moment with love.
Suddenly the joyous squeals of the children chasing each other was music to my ears. I opened my eyes and the smile radiating from my face was genuine and unstoppable. A few of the tykes waddled up to me and began chatting in indistinguishable toddler language. Some gave me high fives with no words exchanged. My heart felt like it was exploding with love and gratitude. I continued sitting, swirling in a sea of innocence. Eventually, they toddled on in a line after their teacher and I was left alone to marvel at the surprise gift God had in store for me.
Before the kiddos arrived, what I perceived as "nothing" happening was actually the beautiful emptiness of a non-judging mind and heart. I was being prepped to receive a moment of spontaneity, in going with the flow, and finding ease and peace in having my plans interrupted. In the Buddhist tradition, this is known as Buddha knowing Dhamma, expressing Sangha. In other words, this is when that open, non-judging spaciousness inside of us that is always available (Buddha) meets the present moment as it is (Dhamma), and then is able to, from this enlightened space, take right and action (Sangha). When we are fully alive and awake, we see reality (whether it is the pain of the world or the joy of the world) and intuitively know the appropriate response.
We know when we are in this space, and we recognize when others are acting from this space. Some people these days call it being "in the flow." It's that moment when, without effort, we respond wisely to whatever arises, and it feels and looks beautiful. When we know how much to let up, let go, or lean in. When we speak truth to power, when we have the right words to solve conflict with our parents or partner. The key thing to notice about these moments is that they are pure Grace. We don't need to try to do the right thing, and yet the right thing flows naturally from that deep place of Presence. Our Essence already knows how to be wise. We would do well to stop striving toward self improvement, and instead let go and let our natural, innate Wisdom take the reins. Giddyup!
When have you noticed a moment of easeful Wisdom in action from yourself?
When have you witnessed this kind action flowing from others?
Are there places or activities that frequently foster this deep Knowing in you?
Share a quick story in the comments below!
I don't know about ya'll, but I have never felt so justified in hating others as I have in the last 6 months. The things being done to and said about fellow human beings in the name of "security" and "free speech" are appalling.
So naturally, when NeoNazis, Klan members, and other white supremacist hate groups gather in Charlottesville, it is our civic and human duty to gather and show them that we can meet their hate with more hate, their ignorance with self righteous indignation!
*Record scratch* Wait, hold up.
Of course there is a call, a rallying cry to stand up for justice, equality, and equal rights for all! Of course we must show up when hatred rears its ugly head and we must say "NO." But is meeting the "enemy" with hatred and scorn necessary for effective action? Is shouting and name-calling and swinging a bigger stick the missing ingredient for the recipe toward peace?
Obviously, the question is rhetorical. So why is it so hard to remove ourselves from the cycle of violence?
For me, the answer is slowing gaining clarity. We do not yet fully trust that love and compassion can be an equally strong force in this world. Anger is motivating. It gives us a charge of energy that can be felt coursing through the body. Our heart rate accelerates, body temperature rises, adrenaline surges. On the surface, it seems the perfect activist fuel to fight the powers that be, to stick it to the Man! How could piddly ol' Love possibly compare to the motivating power of anger and hate, of being against something?
If you're anything like me, this is where the line of reasoning usually stops, and we just go on with our thoughts, comments, and actions as usual (e.g. they suck, you're stupid, the world is f---ed). Thankfully, on my good days, I can recall the higher truths from the great Teachers. Let's start with the Buddha, when he says,
"In this world
Hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law,
Ancient and inexhaustible."
Never?? C'mon Mr. Buddha, isn't that hyperbole? Surely hatred has some role to play in our collective human evolution. Besides, anger just feels good, so it must be good....right?
The point here is that meeting hatred with hatred (a.k.a. revenge) sets us into motion in an ongoing cycle of suffering. If we closely examine our lives, this becomes obvious. When I spend most of my interior energy on reliving the hurt and pain inflicted upon me and imagining the ways my oppressor will suffer, I immediately enter the cycle of suffering. The truth that is often missed here is that even if I don't ever verbalize or act on my anger, I still enter the cycle of suffering because in my angry rumination, I become miserable. I feel trapped and on fire. It's not pleasant. There is no value added to my life or the lives of those around me.
Luckily, there is an alternative. That is solution-based thinking. Thinking, speaking, and acting with love. Love can also be a very motivating force. Consider for a moment a parent's fierce and protective love for their child. Consider the way they understand where their child's pain is coming from, even when the child is hurting them. This love is consistent, persistent, and undying. It is strong and filled with compassion. We all have access to this type of motivating love for others, if we can slow down enough to understand the "other."
This is a perfect time to consider another amazing teacher, Jesus of Nazareth. He says,
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’
But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.
If anyone slaps you on the right cheek,
turn to them the other cheek also."
Let's imagine for a moment that Homeboy was being literal. Someone, in an impulsive and angry fit, slaps you across the face. If you were to slap them back, we all know what would happen: at worst, a full-out brawl ending in death, or, at best, an angry exchange of words ending in the two of you storming off in a huff, likely never to speak to each other again.
Now let's re-live the scene. Someone, in an impulsive and angry fit, slaps you across the face. You remain silent and wait for them to hit you again. At worst, the person is still seeing red and slaps you again. At best, they hesitate because this pause has given them the time to think, to feel guilty, to notice your humanity. They don't hit you again. (If they did slap you twice, they would naturally pause after the second hit if they were met with silence).
Of course, this metaphor of the other cheek works on a personal level as well as a societal one. Jesus understood on a deep level that ancient and inexhaustible law that hate has never yet dispelled hate. It's just never worth it to hit back. It only makes things worse. This is why he didn't defend himself as he was being mocked, whipped, and eventually executed. He knew that only love dispels hate.
Might this inexhaustible law also apply to us in 21st century America? Love need not be silent. Love need not roll over and just "take it." Love, in all its wisdom and creativity, can speak Truth to power. Love can unite the masses. Love can connect us across borders, political boundaries, racial lines, and religions. So as the world rages on and ramps up, may we take pause to reflect on our anger. But only as long as is needed before we act in Love and in Power! For here is our final vision:
"They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore."
How will we ever get there, if not by Love?
I'm a Spiritual Director, Enneagram Educator, and Liberationist-Buddhist-Universalist-Mystic-12 step-Queer-Christian. Playing with questions, answers, and surrender.